remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
