Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
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