Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
