i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
