Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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