There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
