community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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