The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
