Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
