We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
