What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
At least Iām an āessential employeeā and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesnāt ask why Iām essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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