Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
