Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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