Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
