i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
