oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
