Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
