You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
