If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
