My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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