wanna go halves on a baby?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
