Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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