I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
