hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
