how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
