i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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