I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
