Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
