I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
