My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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