I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
