I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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