im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Green mimosas i think yes
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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