i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
