you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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