My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
