How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
