I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
