I hate all girls vehemently.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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