Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
We talked him into tasing himself.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
