There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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