we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
