i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
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that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
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Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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