If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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