Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're a waste of cheezeits
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
