Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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