Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
