I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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