i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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