I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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