I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
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How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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