Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
