First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
where are you?
Hypothermia
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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