We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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