things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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