My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Randomize
